I have just came back from a field course in Bamfield 3 days ago and started school yesterday. I have to do my report portion assigned by classmates and I was doing it since 2 hours ago and it takes time to do so. Everyone stayed at school all day today trying to finish their report and get a very high mark. Yet, my Mother is yelling at me for working until so late. My depression has risen once I am home; it was nothing so depressing at the Bamfield (although there were some other issues that made me very sad). I am listening to music so I can concentrate and she does not understand this report is a group report; everyone has to be contributed to the report, working at the same level. Finding all the information on over 10-15 plant species is no easy work. My Mother just does not understand how students work together and how school is like. And how students do not sleep a lot when there is school.

Repeat

So, again, I am writing a group report. While I am trying to write and doing other things at the same time, I know I have to finish tonight. I only slept 5.5 hours but I am not that tired as if I really want to sleep now. And AGAIN. My Mother is emotionally abusing/harassing me, calling me worthless, what's the point of living, etc.

Again in the morning...

So I woke up this morning and asked for use of computer then she harassed me again for 20 mins...repeatedly negative talk.

Not just me...

Another day of yelling by the Mother. My paper is not due in another 2 days, I like to work on my paper when I am in the mood. She does not understand it all. She keeps insisting me to finish it all, and set up a time, which never works. She never understands. She repeatedly stares at me when the time is up, and that is very frustrating, when you are working on your homework and your parent is watching you. She keeps verbally abusing me and say finish it finish it. She has no faith in me - always controlling me like I am a prisoner. I ended up throwing my $80ish Sony MDR-XB700 earphone I just bought last summer (2012) and I broke it - the left has no sound. And this laptop`s return button isn`t working either.  I cannot relax. What kind of life is this? Why am I living? I am not brave enough to live on my own due to my parents repeated harassing and taking too care of me. I loved that Sony earphone and I am now extremely angry that my Mother has made me throw that earphone. ------------------------3. Don’t respond to name-calling or verbal abuse. If your child is screaming things at you, calling you names, or saying you’re “the worst parent in the world,” do not respond to it. Simply leave the room or send him to his bedroom. Don’t yell back at your child because it will bring you into his rage and make you the focal point of his anger. http://www.empoweringparents.com/child-rage.php                                                                                     

She just said I should be kicked out of school...and call me names. Now.

My mom is always harrassing me, emotionally and verbally abusing me, in a way that always stresses more than academic. Now she is piercingly harassing for using the computer too much. I HAVE TO read all these readings for the NEXT TWO days and she REPEATEDLY is saying things that demote my self-esteem, myself. I keep inserting fingers into my ears and keep holding that position and I CANT even do my homework! It is always like this. She is mad at me staying on the computer and playing games, but what makes me play games?! Obviously, I want to relax and avoid this stress and want my freedom. I NEVER regain freedom and because of that, my self-esteem is low and I can’t even go out late and have my own life, where I am very weak – I can’t even borrow money and live on my own. This is all caused by my mom’s abuses, I assure that a lot of people have these issues but at much earlier ages when they couldn’t live on their own. If they do have these when they reach adulthood, some of them don’t consider these as abuses, census made by health institutes are wrong, I am pretty sure.

What she is saying to me now is everything is my fault, everything I did wrong is blamed upon me, which was, in fact, caused by her, or should I say, too gentle caring her children. The Co-op job I got in the summer I failed due to my lack of having ability in working in a laboratory, and she is blaming me because of my playing games too much and wasting time much. What made me do these in the FIRST place?! I am saying, these adults just don’t understand how their children feel.

10:41pm January 31, 2013

I can’t even apply to job applications for my school because my mother keeps making me say a time, which I don’t have a time – I can’t decide a time because I am finished whenever I finish, I cannot decide a time. I am sitting on the computer playing a game, I need time to enjoy myself and forget anything that gives me stress, especially family stress. I don’t want to be controlled, even at this age. What is the reason to live if I am stuck here forever and have no strength to move out myself? I am depressed and crying emtionally every day at home whenever my mother is around, and even my brother as he is very aggressive.

10:12pm February 17, 2013

"Me"

http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/dysfunc.html

"My parents have always had these big ambitions for me. They tell me what my career should be, who my friends should be, what kind of car I should drive, and who I should date. it's like they expect me to be perfect but don't really believe I can blow my own nose. I feel like I'm suffocating, but if I get the least bit independent they try to control me with money."

"Many of the survival behaviors you developed are your best assets. For example, people who grow up in dysfunctional families often have finely tuned empathy for others; they are often very achievement-oriented and highly successful in some areas of their lives; they are often resilient to stress and adaptive to change. In examining changes you may want to make in yourself, it is important not to lose sight of your good qualities. "